2011

Changes. Alot. Will update soon.

One of my new year's resolution i guess. Write more. Talk less.

Then again, who am i going to talk to.

A T T E N T I O N

I should never let my guards down. N E V E R.

Everytime i let it down i get hurt.

so, NEVER.

M a k e b e l i e v e

Whose to know my world?
And whose to share my worry? 
Mountains rise and fall all the time,
And it doesn't mean a damn thing to God,
So make believe in miracles instead. 

Whose to show no fear?
Then cast the first stone at the mirror,
And break the spell you put down yourself,
And crack your shell right open again, 
And make believe in miracles, my friends. 

Whose to give everything
Just to serve what they believe in?
'Cause that's the way you play the game of life.
You create the world you want to see outside.
And remember what it's like to play God,
And make believe in miracles again.
Oh, make believe in miracles, my friends. 

M a y b e

Maybe if I dont H O P E for anything things might get easier

Maybe if I dont W A N T anything i wont get disappointment 

Maybe if I dont A S K i wont get hurt

M A Y B E

I w i s h

I wish you could understand what i'm going through. I wish you can feel what i feel.

I'm broken and you cant fix me. Its not that easy. I cant be fixed.

I CANT BE FIXED. Thats what i need you to understand. I cant be fixed but i want you by my side.

I want you next to me, supporting me, but i know its too much to ask.

I have no feelings. I am numb. Thus i have no feelings towards you or whatever i say to you.

I WISH YOU COULD UNDERSTAND

I WISH.

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Whats wrong with you?

Whats wrong with you?

Whats wrong with you?

Whats wrong with you?

Whats wrong with you?

Whats wrong with you?

Whats wrong with you?

Maybe something wrong with YOU!

D e e p

The cut reminds me that i'm alive.

S t o p

I can feel them staring at me. "Look at the freak". I can hear them whispering.

Dont sit next to me.

Dont look at me.

Dont talk to me.

Dont whisper behind me.

Dont point at me.

Dont smile at me.

J U S T  L E A V E  M E  A L O N E

D o u s e e i t ? D o u f e e l i t ?

Well, if it's not real

You can't hold it in your hands

You can't feel it with your heart

And I won't believe it

But if it's true

You can see it with your eyes

Even in the dark

And that's where I want to be

L e a v e m e a l o n e!

Leave me alone. Stop talking. Stop whispering. Stop looking. Leave me alone!

H o w d i d w e g e t h e r e?

How did we get here? 

when I use to know you so well 

How did we get here? 

Well, I think I know 

The truth is hiding in your eyes 

And it's hanging on your tongue 

Just boiling in my blood, 

But you think that I can't see 

What kind of man that you are 

If you're a man at all 

Well, I will figure this one out 

on my own 

on my own 

I KNOW PAIN

F a t e

No words to describe anything. No words at all.

L U C K

Dear god,

If you have anymore stones to throw at me, anymore punches or kicks, I beg you please, please dont do it. I cant take anything anymore.

God, have mercy on me please.

F r o z e n

I froze today. Sat in the exam hall and froze. Cant remember a thing. I cant remember what happened. I froze. My thoughts froze. Everything F R O Z E N

R a i n

I used to love the rain. I used to sit next to him and enjoy the rain. Loved kissing while looking at the rain.

Bt now, i hate the rain. I hate it coz everytime it rains it signifies how much tears i have shed this lifetime.
And how much more i will shed in this lifetime.

D i s a p p e a r i n g

I'm d i s a p p e a r i n g. If i go missing will anyone look for me?

I'm d i s a p p e a r i n g. 

T h e d a y

I'm having t h e d a y. Everything was closing up on me in class. Rode my bike while crying. Thank god my helmet had the face cover. Tears dwelling up my eyes. My emotions are erratic.

I dunno what the hell is happening to me?

T h a n k Y o u

Depression is not a sign of weakness, it is a sign that you have been trying to be strong for too long

You may wonder why i openly write about depression. It is said that it helps to come out of it if you talk to someone or write about it. I cant talk to someone. NO ONE. But the least i can do is write.

I wish it was easier for me to face this. Wish people understood better what is depression. Wish someone could help me.

Been having a recurrent dream. I was standing on top of a building, dressed in white flow y dress, looking down and I jumped. A peaceful and serene feeling came after that. Maybe because everything ended. 

E V E R Y T H I N G ended.

I thought about it. Thinking about it. Sometimes i hear whispers of encouragement. Maybe lucifer's ready to have me. "Just end it. Why suffer? When there is a solution to everything. Why live such a L I F E?"

B r o k e n

Once broken considered SOLD

Who wants damaged item rite?

Everyone want everything to be perfect.

Prim n Proper.

Nobody is a sheet of white paper.

Everyone's tainted.

Everyone have a black dot.

But mine is not a dot. Its a splash of black ink.

Too obvious.

D.A.M.A.G.E.D

Every step is getting heavier. Every breathe hurts even more. Everything is black.

YOU DISAPPEARED

I AM DISAPPEARING

Again, who wants damaged item rite?

The clown that cheered the world but himself.

Biggest joke rite?

How long do u wanna be loved? Is forever enough?

                                    Through My Eyes                                              

Like tyrants assembled with tears

Trembling like a tomb

And singing like a statue

I am as empty as the ocean.

My blind eyes scream in silence

So this eternal echo will be known.

Given to the foils of time,

And shattered like plate glass-

You freeze within the fire.

Darkness now lives at daylight,

And shadows turn to the ghosts.

With all that shined is hollow

You imagine unconsciously.

And pretending to sleep you realize,

Nothing is what it seems.

I'm battling with DEPRESSION. Dont judge. Just listen. Plz listen. Dont ignore. I already feel as if i'm disappearing.

emotions

i'm not in any mood to say anything. Here's why:

1) I'm busy like hell. Seriously goddamn busy.
2) I'm stressed
3) Most of all i'm full of emotions right now. TOO MANY OF THEM. I had so many things happening to me. This what happens when u start your life on a wrong note. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!

DAMN IT.

Choices

I feel like being forced to choose between THIS....

*cute

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AND THIS

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*cute as well!

See my problem??? haih. will explain in another post...

Till next time!

argh.....................!

I'm back from holidays but unfortunately been sick since i was indonesia! I NEED TO RECOVER! haish!

what a waste of hols!

Till next time.. haaaattttchhoooo!

=)

I know i supposed to update sooner but been busy since i came back.

I manage to clean my room! Which is a big success actually! hehe=)

Now, just waiting to go to class. First day of 7th sem year 4! I get this tingling sensation all over my body everytime i say that. Wahhhhh... M old! haha!

OKAY! I know m supposed to update abt my hair. I dont have time to explain much but this is the end result!

this is before the haircut in KLCC

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and this is after! WOOOHOOOO! SHORT HAIR! hehe=)

Till next time!

To where i should be

Pay extra attention to the title k? Its 'should be' not 'want to be'.

I'm busy now. Packing. Shopping. Still have soo much things to do! ARGH!

The biggest thing though is getting my haircut. Freaking nervous wei!

snip snip snip

Will update soon. Probably from another country.

Till next time!

Romance

Just watched Jodha Akbar in TV. I love it. Eventhough i watched it like a million times i still love it.

The romance that gets to me the most. How they look at each other and express their love in so little words. Its really really romantic!

Devdas! Another one of my favorite. Even with the extremely sad ending, its one of the most endearing love story ever!

AND THIS MOVIE....... People who know me, most probably know why i relate to this movie alot!

Till next time....

Cassieville

CASSIEVILLE. Thats what my bf used to call when i drift of to my thoughts. I tend to really sit and think alot. Been doing that recently and still thinking....

I'm blabbering!

cassieville's population most probably looks like that!

Of 10 Years....

we know each other for 10 years!

Need i say anything more=)

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LOVE U GUYS ALOT!

Catching the ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZssss......

Since i came back, i havent been sleeping well. My bedtime went haywire. Sometimes i sleep at 4am and wake up at 10am for breakfast and sleep back again. Horrible rite? I know! I shud do something about it. But i love watching TV! hehe. I know. He's the culprit. Well, he is charming and irresistable!=)

A good night sleep is really important for a productive and full day!

I shud adjust my sleeping habit. Soon la.

Till next time! Good night!=)

oh pleassssseeeeee!!!!!!

I WANT THIS!! REALLY REALLY WANT IT!

I need to convince my dad! He still swaying with his decision! Urgh! HOW HOW HOW HOW?????

Till next time! *fingers crossed hoping he'll agree!=s

LIFE! I'm living it!=)

I love to be home! Love it! I'm relaxed and enjoying my holidays.... Nice to be back. Away from all the drama in my life. Just relaxed.

Its so stressful to be there. Seriously! All the constant drama. Its like living in a drama series where the conflicts goes on and on. When it DOES resolves, there would be another conflict that come along soon after. Its like we all are actors in a TV drama and the director wants never ending drama to keep the viewers engaged. But who is the DIRECTOR? who are the VIEWERS?

I feel this constant feeling that my life has stopped. Like i'm not moving forward anymore. Feel like i'm not doing much with my life. I feel like i'm disappearing. I think i need some guidance. Or suggestions. Dunno la. Its 1 of those emotional days. MAYBE i need some ZEN or YOGA! Whatcha think?

ZEN! with the incense and all....

or YOGA! by the beach but there's no beaches nearby. NEXT!!

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Think i'll stick to something i know will definitely work

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SHOPPING! haha=)

Weird post. I know. I told ya. I am an emotional roller coaster! 

Till next time!